Dial 'B' for baby
by yasha kazuki
Summary: OK this one is about Shwartz go on a vacation and they come across a diner with a preggy woman in it..Shwartz wackiness and maybe slight Nagi torcher?..well..here goes nothing
1. Default Chapter

So here I am..This fic has been lingering for a long time.So decided to post it.  
Yeah. This fic was written after watching a tv show called Titus . Its wacky , strange, bashing of Southern americans(aww...don't worry i love all you guys..) And not meant to offend...just a vain attempt to make some kid laugh.   
  
Disclaimers:Awww..we don't own anything, we're just kids on suger highs that some day hope to take over the world with our evil army of Chibi -pink hippo's. All we have is play money...  
  
Dail B for Baby.  
  
  
  
"BRAAAAAAAAAAADDD!!!" Nagi whined from the backseat of Crawford's car.   
  
  
"ARE WE THHHHEEEEERRRRRREEEEE yEEEETTT?"   
  
Brads eye twitched.  
Nagi and Farfie were both in the back seat while Schu was in the front passenger seat and the only one of them who could drive at the legal speed[Brad] was ..well..driving.  
  
  
Fighting Weiss was a hard job and same with work and taking care of his 'family'  
When Brad started seeing little pink chibi-hippo's trying to eat him in the office, Takatori made him go on vacation.Relieve some stress.  
Of course Brad couldnt escape the rest of Shwartz, and they just /had/ to come along.  
  
So here they were , all the way in the United States driving through the southern parts .  
It was hot and sticky and unpleasant.  
What made it worse is that the youngest member of Shwartz wouldn't stop asking 'Are we there yet?'(Kitty notes:In almost all my fun fics I make Nagi and farfie the kids and Schu and Brad the parents) Brad's eye twitched again.  
  
"So where are we going?" asked Schu with his feet on the dashboard.   
  
  
"To New Orleans " replied Brad fixing his eyes on the road, trying to keep himself from killing the two in the back who were fighting over a paper fan. Brad started counting backwards from 10.  
  
  
For awhile now, they were driving. Farfie had falling asleep and Shuldich shut nagi up by turning on the radio. Brad put in his handy dandy ear plugs and finally got some peace and quiet. Schu stared out the window trying to pick up the thoughts of strangers. He wasnt succeeding because for a long time there weren't any houses in sight. They had already passed the heavily populated cities and highways even the cushiony looking neighbourhoods. All they saw now were dirt farms!  
  
'Ever so exciting' thought Schu.  
  
Soon after , their silence was broken once again by Nagi.  
  
"BRRRAADD..Im HHHUUUUNGGRRRRRYYY..."  
Brad's ear plugs popped out.  
  
"My feeeeeet are falllling assssleeeeep"  
Brad's eye twitched once more.  
  
  
"IIIII'MMMM booooorrrrrrreeeeeeddd"  
Both of Brads eyes began twitching.  
  
"I'm-.."  
  
"WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP BACK THERE OR I'LL STOP THIS FUCKING CAR AND LEAVE YOU ON THE SIDE OF THE FUCKING ROAD!!!!DO YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS AMERICAN HICS ARE?..NOW SHUT UP!!!"  
  
Nagi , along with everyone else in the car huddled in their respected corners.  
Braddy could be scary when he wanted to be.  
After a few minutes of golden silence....  
  
",,,,brad?....."  
  
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT?"  
Farfie yelled at the mention of God and pulled out his half-chewed knife.  
  
"..er..sorry farf..for the love of..uhh...not God?.."  
  
"Oh thats better." said Farfie in relief before going back to sleep.Nagi continued in a small voice.  
"....I have ta go to the bathroom..."  
  
Brads eye twitched again.  
  
  
"Brad,just Stop . We all need a brake and we've been driving for hours." said Schu, who was also getting restless.  
  
"If we stop now , we'll be off schedule..do you really want to be off schedule..SCHEDULE??!!"asked Brad as if being late was equivalent to the end of the world.  
  
"Just a few freakin' minutes ok? Then we can get back on the all mighty schedule ..look theres a dinner thing, stop there!" said Schu grabbing the steering wheel and heading for the café. Brad slammed on the brakes before they went through the window.  
  
"Go for it Nagi!" said Schu as Nagi scrambled out of the car and headed for the diner.  
  
"Im going in too, I should phone and tell the hotel we'll be late because of Nagi's weakness "  
Brad got out of the car and walked towards the road-side café. Schu rolled his eyes.  
  
Inside the café , brad saw empty booths , some old rusty stools by the grimy counter and a creepy old man behind it.  
  
"Heh...What do you want?..are you the owner of that rude little girl? You should keep her on a leash!" said the old man. Brad looked down upon the old duffer superiorly.  
  
"Listen..uhh..sir, Can I use your phone?"Asked the oldest Shwartz member.  
  
"Phone?..Phone?WE here ain't got no phone. We got letters though and carrier pigeons but no fanvy pants phones"  
  
"Do you even know what a phone is?"  
  
"....."  
  
Brads eye twitched.  
  
"It's a machine you use to talk with, do you have one?"he explained.  
  
"Well I done hear don't know , MAAAA!!? Do we have one of them there talking machines?" yelled the strange old man.  
  
From the back came a cripply (Kid:is that even a word? Yasha:Shut up!!*whaps the kid*)old women carrying a broom. Brad looked at his watch wondering how long this was going to take.  
  
"This here Folkel wants to use our talking machine"said the old coot.  
  
"You pulled me out of a good scrub down for that?" asked the cooky old woman.  
  
"You see Ma here needs to be scrubbed every week to pull off all that dead skin" said the man motioning to Ma. Brad shuddered at that thought."hmmm pleasant ...listen I just need to make one call ok?"  
  
The old woman reached underneath the counter and pulled out one of those old fashioned telephones. It was a really weird phone. Brad picked up the receiver ..or atleast what looked like a receiver and went to dial but...it had no buttons .Like I said, it was a REALLY old model.   
  
"Umm..how do you use this?" he asked feeling stupid.  
"This here is a newer model, before our time, but our grand daughter here knows what to do with the consternate thing " grunted the old woman.  
"MARY SUE!!! get yure bottom in here girl!" she yelled. Brad winced at the terrible shrill of her voice.  
A few seconds later , after the ear-shattering call, in walked a young woman.She had short brown hair and brown eyes and would be really pretty except for the bulging tummy sticking out of her short green tank top. She was also wearing a short skirt.  
"What Ma?" asked the girl.  
  
"Mary sue, how do you use that there phoney thing?" asked the old Man.  
  
The woman waddled over to the phone and looked at it, then at Brad.  
  
"Were you raised in a barn? Don't you know how to use a talking machine?" growled the woman. Brads eye twitched.  
She picked up the receiver and placed it to her ear.  
"Now you just-...YEARRRRGG!!! AHHH!!" screamed the woman in pure agony.   
Brad jumped. She clutched her stomach.  
  
"IT FUCKING HURTS!!!" she squealed clutching her tummy. The old couple just stood there like they did when Brad first arrived.  
  
"Oh my God!! What do we do?"asked Brad to the people.  
"...."  
They stood there.  
  
"We need a doctor!" he yelled catching the girl as she nearly fainted.  
  
He hoisted her to one of the booths and layed her down.  
"Hello...doctor..we need one!" exclaimed Brad .  
  
"It fucking hurts!!"  
  
The woman was now hysterical laying in the booth with her legs sprawled apart.  
"Uhh...calm ..down...please.."   
  
"HELP ME DAMMIT!!" now she just looked possessed. She was sweating heavily , hyper-ventilating and Brad was sure he saw her head spin.  
  
"Im sorry but I have to go" Brad tried to explain but the woman grabbed him by the collar of his suit and in one strangling motion, pulled him to be at eye-level with her.  
  
"Now you're gonna help me whether you like it or not...YOU HEAR ME?!!" yelled the ferocious woman.  
Just then, who should walk in but Shuldich.  
"What the fuck is taking so long?" he growled angrily.  
"Farfie is getting restless and hungry....plus he's been eying me for the longest time and..."  
Schu looked at the scene of Brad bent over a pregnant girl and 2 old people behind a counter watching them.  
  
"OMIGOD!! BRAD, YOURE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF A PREGNANT WOMAN?..WITH THE PARENTALS WATCHING?YOU BASTARD!...*sniff* ..what about meeeee???" whined Schu glomping Brad around the waist and whimpering. Brads eye twitched.  
"Schuldich, shut up and get back in the car", just then , the pregnant woman pushed Crawford out of the way and pleaded to Schu  
"Will you fucking help me?"  
But Schu had already lost interest and was ordering a beer from the old couple.She yowled in pain and began squeazing Brad's hand with hers.After it started turning purple and Braddy Couldn't take it anymore, he finally caved in.  
"Alright , ALRIGHT!! I'll help you , just spare my fucking hand!" he then turned to the old couple who were dishing out cans of beer to Schu.  
"Who can help us?"  
  
  
TBC....  
  
Wow...talk about sucky vacations, What will happen? Wanna find out?...it does get better  
I promise....Please review peeps.It helps, this one is only gonna be in 2 parts but...aww...i hope people like this... I worked real hard...Review...Please..or I'll send an extremely annoying whiny Nagi after you...wait many of you would probably like that...NAGI-TELETUBBIE!!!...yah..im hyper...so what?  
~~~~~~LOVE ALWAYS BABY!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


	2. AWWW...poor nagi...

Wow...I scare people?..neat..well same as usual peeps enjoy! This is the last installment so yeah..Review to tell me if my shot at comedy was worth 2 days of typing..love ya!  
  
  
"Who can help us?"  
  
"Don can..'cept for  
  
he lives 2 hours away with none of that thier fancy vehicle transportation" explained the old man.  
  
"Bill's coming this way today ain't he Pa, he 's got them steeds a his and he lives by Don" congered the woman.  
  
"Fine then , call Bill , tell him to pick up Don!"exclaimed Brad who was getting fed up with this charade.  
  
"Can't, Bill don't have the talking machine...Don do"  
  
  
"This FUCKING hurts!!! Brad's eyes twitched once again.  
  
"Then call Don so he'll go to Bill's and they can come here and help the friggen woman."   
There was a silence as the two old duffers just stared at Brad , who was having a fit because his schedule was ruined.  
  
"Can't. Don and Bill don't get along." That was it. Brad totally lost control of his eye and felt sick. He was never going to escape!  
Schu waddled over after drinking a couple[12] beers and started laughing and pointing at Brad.  
  
"Looks like yur..*hic*..gonna hafta..d..de..dilhiver...d-deliv..de..uhhhh...make her unpregnant! HA!"  
  
Brad regretinly looked up her skirt to see the baby was definitly coming.He felt sick..ACK!..blood...   
  
Just then Nagi came out of the washroom. Brad looked at him.  
  
"What the hell took so long?"he asked  
  
"I was playing with the balloon machine in there....funny looking balloons though...whats going on?"  
  
"There's that nasty little girl, Ma. She there just needs a good whipping "  
  
Nagi looked at the old couple and snuffed as if they were beneath him.  
He then walked over to Brad and again asked what was going on.He stood beside Brad and looked at the woman in distress.  
"See for yourself" he said grabbing Nagi's head and shoving it up her skirt.  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"Nagi screamed and pulled away looking pale and dizzy. "Ah..uh...oh..shh..chu.." he babbled until finally the snickering Schu yelled out "Vagina!"  
And that was it, Nagi fainted.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHH" yelled the woman again in pain."GET IT THE FUCK OUT!!"  
  
The drunken Schu , who was now out of the laughing stage and in the talking maniacally stage approached her, making calming hand gestures.  
  
"Now , now...calm yourself down, don t y-*hic* you have any respect for your neighbours?..Jeez ..pregnant people..." He stated then began to trail off on how Napkin dispensers were to better humanity in years to come. Brad's eye twitched some more.   
  
"I feel it coming, get the fuck ready.!!"  
  
Brad again, seeing he had no real choice , looked in her skirt trying to find a way to go about this mission.Thats when Brad realized, he didn't even know how the baby came out!  
  
"Someone else is going to have to do this...I don't know how.." said Brad almost fearing what the in-pain woman might say.  
  
  
"Listen you pansy! You're the only man around..if YOU can't do it then WHO CAN?"  
  
Brad looked like he was about to cry knowing he couldn't escape his fate carved from pure Hell itself , when who should fly through the door?...Why none other then Farfie !!  
  
The doors swung open to reveal a very energetic Farfarello . ..Hey if you were locked up in a car for like 12 hours non-stop, you'd be feeling puhretty restless yourself.  
  
"Guess what guys?...I found ROAD-KILL on the side of the road...and poked it with a STICK!!..Mwaahahahaha.."he laughed insanely.   
  
Farfie looked at drunk Schu, stressed Brad , unconscious Nagi and the pregnant lady.  
  
"AWWW..you guys were having a party...without..me.."Farfie looked sad(aww..poor Farfie)  
  
He then looked at the pregnant woman and started laughing.  
"HA! Your in pain..bet that hurts God! ,Thats one for me pal!"He squealed pointing and looking towards the ceiling, and cackling maniacally. Everyone sweat-dropped.  
  
"Listen..uhh..crazy guy, help me you little..Aug!!..pain.."She squealed.  
  
"Whats the time between your contractions?" Surprised, everyone looked at Farfie.  
"Uhh..3 minutes i thi-Ahh!" the woman attempted.  
  
He put his hand to his chin as if in deep thought and nodded. He then ducted to look up her skirt with a passive face..almost professionally ..  
"Your 10 cm dialated , thats good." he then began feeling her belly.  
  
"How do you know all this?" asked a shocked Brad. Farfie smiled.  
"Hehe..you see, I watch the health channel and 'the baby show' is on between 'When surgery goes wrong' and 'When heart structures collapse' so..." explained Farfie matter-of-factly. Brad sweat-dropped.  
  
During this time, Nagi was coming too. He stood behind the woman trying to keep from throwing up.  
Farfie , who was done feeling Mary Sue's belly, put fourth his diagnoses .  
  
"There is something wrong, the baby is coming out in the wrong direction, we gotta turn it around." he explained.  
  
"How do we do that?"demanded Brad who was not enjoying his vacation up to this date.  
  
"Well there's surgery..or we can reach up there and turn the little bugger around..haha" he cackled."OHH!..OOH!!let me cut her open , Braddy, let me!!"whined Farfie"This is the best vacation ever!!"Farfie was very excited. The woman started panicking.  
  
"There is no way ANY of you are coming near me with a Knife!" she yelled at the four guys.  
"Aww..come on Mary Sue! Haven't you known me long enough to trust me?" asked Farfie giving her huge puppy eyes..er..eye..-.0.  
  
"Farfarello!" yelled Brad angrily.  
.."Sorry..."the irishman apoligized.  
  
"What have i Told you about talking to people?"Brad began his lecture with a question.  
"Don't talk...just look pretty"..  
"Good boy" replied Brad patting Farfie on the head.  
  
Meanwhile, Drunk Schu began torturing the labouring woman.Brad pulled Schu away from poking her and asked Farfie what to do next.   
  
They couldn.t do a c-section because,  
A)They didn't know how  
B)It was really dangerous  
C)She wouldn't let them  
and D) Farfie might get carried away  
  
"What do we do to turn the baby around?" For a moment Farf looked clueless, then in deep thought, finally he stuck his finger in the air as if he had something to say and announced   
"I do not know!"..everyone fell over.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?"yelled Brad frustrated.  
  
"..well...I kinda changed the channel to surfing.." Whimpered Farfie, shielding his head with his arms.  
"Just don't hurt me...."  
  
"Farfie, you have the gift of no pain.." informed Nagi coming back into the picture.  
  
"I'll no-pain you!" argued Farfie waving his fist at Nagi.  
  
After watching the fights between the four boys and suffering for what felt like an Eternity, Mary Sue finally spoke up and said something reasonable.  
  
"I have been in this state for 9 months, its finally coming to an end..Im going through the worst of it now...you wouldn't believe the excruciating pain I am feeling right now..but I'll say this..you are all gonna do as I say ..unless you DO want to feel the pain Im going through..Now we are going to deliver this baby and you 're all gonna like it..UNDERSTAND!!!"It was a mighty scary thing to deal with, a pregnant woman."Now whose gonna turn this sucker around?"She asked looking at the four assassins in disguise.The four guys were standing around her,looking at her. Farfie smiling evily and Schu holding a beer.  
  
"Let me!..ME!!"was Farfie's chant   
  
She looked at Schu."You're too drunk"  
  
"ME ME!!"  
  
She looked at Brad. "You're too stupid"  
  
"ME ME ME!!!"whined Farfie, Mary looked at him  
  
"You want it too much"  
  
"Awww."Farfie looked disapointed.  
  
"You! The wussy boy with the girly hands!your up!"She squealed in a pained voice. Wussy boy..er..Naggles, looked at his hands in shock.  
  
"My hands are girly?...but Omi likes my hands...wah..." muttered Nagi to himself. The woman grabbed him and flipped him over to the front of her.  
  
"Now get down there!!"  
  
Nagi cried when he was forced to..uhh stick his hands up there.  
  
"Gross gross gross gross" he squealed.  
While he was doing that, Farfie was snickering and Schu was leaning over him with a beer inhand , trying to play with his mind, not realizing saying these things because of his drunken state.  
  
"Nagi, oooh Naaaaagiiii..VAGINA!...CLITORIS ...UTERUS!...WOMEN GENITALIA! .. Sticking your hands up there is like having Sex you know..heh..I'll just have to tell your little Weiss boy friend that your cheating on him!"  
  
Nagi looked pale.There were funny squishing noises coming from the woman. He felt like tossing his cookies."I think I'm gonna be sick"  
The woman wailed in pain.  
  
"There Im done!" said Nagi "There you see, I did it and I could do it again!" confirmed the boy .  
  
As he pulled his goo-covered hands out and looked at them in disgust , Schu yelled out his last profanity out "FEETUS!" And that was all it took to make Nagi faint again. His head landing in the girls crotch.  
Schu bursted out in drunken laughter.  
  
"Bwahahaha..I never thought I'd see the day when Nagi Naoe's head in a woman's crotch!"  
He gave farfie a high five.  
  
Brad pulled Nagi's head out of her crotch and kneeled down in his place.  
  
"Ok, this part is just like football right?"he said placing his hands in the position to catch.  
Farfie yelled out."32, 54 HIKE HIKE!!"  
  
"SHUT UP FARFIE!!"yelled Brad.  
  
"...sorry.."  
  
"Now push...i guess.."  
  
The woman began pushing while Farfie was repeatingly telling her to breath.Schu occupied himself by poking the knocked-out Nagi and Brad was thinking how he couldn't believe he was doing this.  
  
"BREATH WOMAN BREATH I TELL YOU!!"  
  
"AHHHH!" and with one final push, the agony was over.There was a new voice in the room now.  
  
Brad lifted up the new born and the guys were in awe as she was silhouetted by the light  
  
"IT'S A BOY!!!..wow , look at the size of his...-"Schu was about to comment, when Brad interrupted.  
  
" thats the Ambilical cord , it's a girl." Brad lowered her for his teamates to see.  
  
"Wow, shes so beautiful, ....and this one shall be here by known as...Farfie Jr. " stated Farfie again with a matter-of - factly monotone.  
"A true gift from God...lets kill it"Brad pulled her away from Farfie.  
  
"Alright, lets go..finally" said Brad ,angry for wasting so much time at this stupid café .  
  
  
He was about to go out the door with the baby , when the woman piped up.  
  
"Can I have my baby back?"  
  
Brad realized he still had the baby in-hand.  
  
"Huh? Uh..sorry" Brad was going to give her back but she looked at him with big blue eyes. He was finding it to hard to give her away..she was just too cuute!!"  
Schu and Farfie croeded around the baby dubbed 'Farfie Jr'  
  
"Can't we keep her Brad? Huh Huh?..we'll take good care of her!" The two men begged childlike.   
"Thats what you said about the dog!..and look what happened to it" he retorted.  
  
"Braaaad, that was different!"  
  
"We had a dog?" They both looked at Farfie. He looked down  
"yeah, yeah..I know, Shut up Farfie"  
  
Brad looked at the cute lil tyke in his arms than in the eyes of his pleading teammates .  
  
"Oh fine" He then turned to the other inhabitants of the café.  
  
"May we propose a trade?"  
  
*^*^*^^*^***^*^*^*^***^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
  
  
  
When nagi awoke , he was greeted by the stench of a dirt farm. He found his hair to be up in curls and himself in a dress.  
  
The old couple appeared with what looked to be like their toothless Grandson.  
  
"Yure parents traded you for that there baby. Yure now our here boy's lawfully wedded wife. Say hello to yure wife, Cletus."  
  
"Heyuk!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
  
  
And thats how Nagi ended up in America, and how Shwartz got a new baby. Awww!  
And everyone lived happily and crazily ever after..'cept for Nagi who just lived crazily ever after.  
  
Fin  
  
  
  
  
  
Wow...that was strange I know, I also know that nobody would tru ly trade their new born for a bishonen no matter how cute he is...I just did that for this fic..yep!..Im one messed up kid..  
Now excuse me while I run from a banjo toting Nagi in a dress! Bye all  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~LOVE ALWAYS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
Yasha: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh  
  
  
Nagi:Get back here you cotton-picking little vixen!!*throws banjo..misses*  
  
Yasha:Haha!! Wussy boy! 


End file.
